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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Back to work. I’m trying to focus, but the office is buzzing with panic. I mean, it’s Haslingden, not Wall Street! I’m staring at the screen, and my stocks are dropping faster than my motivation to work. I’m fuming. I could throw my computer out the window! But then I remember, I need this job. Bills, you know?

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